I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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