I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
