The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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