Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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