i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
