I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
