I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
