So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't deserve a penis
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
