It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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