Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
