I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
