I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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