I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
