do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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