Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
