Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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