Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
