If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
