dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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