I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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