I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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