i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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