when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
