and you said cock pushups were impossible
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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