My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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