textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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