Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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