there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
