Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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