she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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