dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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