He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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