for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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