I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
