I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
