She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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