How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
