All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
