She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
