this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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