thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
