apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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