I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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