if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
