U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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