My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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