Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
