last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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