Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
