I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
