I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
