Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
