Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
