i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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