tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Floor bacon is actually really good
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
